Tuesday, March 28, 1972

Called the hospital in the morning and Dick was up to 198! but he was up and I talked with him + we had a good chat. I asked the nurse to have Dr. Bentley call if he came before 12:30. He didn’t. The question mark messages from Mario a headache for Jack. Spoke with Shirley. Called Lucille to say I couldn’t stop by. Washed dishes + towels + did a little straightening up, cleaned out the refrigerator and took out the garbage. Left the house about 12:45. Went to the office and gave Shirley the polaroid. Carl + Jim Daniels there. Dick Shaw came in. Got a pool to take out to Dick to draw. Went to school. The tapes we listen to aren’t all that easy to understand but the hour and 15 minutes went pretty fast. Then out to the retreat. When I got there at 3:45 both Bentley and Hartley had been there. Decision not to move Dick. Evidently Bill Bentley said that Dick’s liver is no worse than it was in October?? That really doesn’t seem possible. But if it was that bad then, I feel Bill should have prescribed more specifically and more urgently. Dick sensed a slight clash between Bentley + Hartley + if there was + is I’m on Hartley’s team in this one. Dick went straight to work on the pool and I practiced my rapidwrite. Then after eating a little of my dinner I took a nap. I took two miltowns today and I guess they made me tired along with everything else. Shirley told me Pat Garret had told her that Alice Turner had gone over at the dinner + told her Dick was very sick with Diabetes. with friends like that – who needs an etc? I stayed til 9:45 and then came home. The kids on the service again + also a message from Harold Stern. Called him + that crazy editor or publisher is now going to be selling stocks. He’s sending Dick + me $250 shares which when the issue goes public will be $5,000.00 on paper! I made some bacon + eggs + went to bed after a little dusting.

Monday, March 27, 1972

Let me sort out my thoughts – George + Judy + Brian left today I left first – Went to the store for the insurance papers. Saw Jim Daniels. Ran into Bob who said he’d be out by tonight Went out to see Dick. He’s puffed up again + has gained 10 lbs. They haven’t been weighing him + I asked them to [crossed out letter]. No word about Sunrise yet. I went in to Dana McKay’s + took my first lesson in “rpdrt” (rapidwrite) The wind blowing wildly. Went back out to the retreat + was there til 10:30. Hartley not there til 9 o’clock. Bentley is coming to see Dick tomorrow morning. Hartley told me there is permanent damage to Dick’s liver. He has cirrhosis and there is no telling how much he can be reversed. We are not talking of [crossed out letter] total recovery. we’re hoping for a good partial recovery Diet + rest is the treatment – and evidently the only treatment possible. There’s no way of telling anything more now. I want specifics so badly. I want to know what to expect. I know what to hope + pray for and that’s alot more time for us together. I’m going to have to be very strong and give Dick all the support in the world I can cry by myself. I do think that faith can work miracles but I want to know what miracle we’re aiming for. I called Julia early this morning and she’s putting some money in the Bank of New York for me. Money is no object. Only Dick’s health. He told me tonight that he loves me and I know he does. And I love him even more than I thought I did. I know that now. Dick is the most important thing in my life – without reservations. I got home at eleven. Bob had left. The dogs were inside + deleriously happy to see me. I straightened up the kitchen a little + fed the dogs. The house cold + I turned on the heat. I’m not going out to the Retreat in the morning. I’ll wait til after class. The dogs trapped some kind of animal outside + were barking madly. Still were when I went to bed – 9 messages tonight. Mario is the pool message, Shirley called and all the rest were those same kids. Someday when they’re older + are waiting for important messages + are tired + scared they may realize what they’re doing.

Sunday, March 26, 1972

Paid for the excesses. Felt godawful. Up at 10. George cut my hair and I got out to the retreat about noon. Told Dick of my debauch – he liked my hair cut + was very protective about my hangover. He’s having trouble keeping his dentures in and I got him some poligrip at the stop and go. Also bought Playboy and the “Doctor’s Hangover Remedy” called MORNING AFTA – Took it with some orange juice and it was like a bomb shell. Muriatic acid or something. Dr. Hartley came in + wants Dick to get some medical treatment. The liver tests evidently weren’t too good and Dick needs proper diet + rest etc. It’s all a little confusing but the liver is not functioning as it should be which is why Dick’s ankles are swollen up again. Hartley is going to talk to Dr. Bentley and see about having Dick transferred. He cut down his tranquillizer dose – Dick’s seeing things which Hartley says is the result of toxcicity in the system. I had to leave Dick about 4 to get ready for the Sammy Cohen dinner. I went over to Jack + Joyces to ask Jack about a weird message on the service. He seemed to think it must be a joke. Came home + Annabel called. I filled her in + she promised to say nothing. Hasn’t even mentioned it to Jack Told her I’d sell tickets this evening. bathed + dressed + [crossed out letter] made up. Saw George + Judy. Left at 5:40. Went to Lucille’s for a drink first + to visit with Gen a bit. Stella Arakalian there – pleasant interlude + then over to Caesar’s Palace. I sold 125 tickets including one (1) to Floyd Lamb. I pretended not to know how to spell his name in revenge. We sold about 500 tonight which was pretty good. The dinner a great success + the place was full. I sat with Earl + Bea, Doc + Maise Annabel + Jack Alice + Claire Sheer. Judge Zenoff the M.C. and about as lively as cold oatmeal. Jim Carmany marvelous however. I slipped out to find Jen after Jim spoke + they had the drawing. Played a little 21 + couldn’t get a hand. Lost steadily a buck at a time. Dinner broke late late late + I wasn’t home til after midnight 9 messages – 6 of them from some damn kids.

Saturday, March 25, 1972

Went to the office and got more of Dick’s things. Couldn’t find alot of stuff at first and the place horribly cluttered + dirty. Full brandy bottle there on Dick’s drawing board. Called the Retreat to say I’d be late + Mrs. Manino said “I don’t think he wants you to punch a time clock dear.” I got out about noon + Dick told me he didn’t think he was going to be staying there. That Dr. Hartley seemed to think he’d be better off at Sunrise in the Medical floor. I wasn’t completely convinced at first but then was after being there a while. For a while I’d thought Dick had imagined it. I napped there + did some crocheting on the blanket I’m so half heartedly making for Drue. I left about 5:30 or 6:00. The print is too fine on the books I brought Dick and he can’t concentrate yet anyway. He seems to have lost a little weight which is good and he likes the staff at least and Dr. Hartley which is very important. After I left I went back to the El Cortez + lost what I won yesterday. Then to the store to buy some food + beer. Home at 9:30 or so. Had expected George + Judy some time after 10 But they were sleeping in the car in the driveway having gotten an early start They came in + we got them settled + Brian on the couch in the living room. He was intrigued with our slot machine and played for half an hour or so while Judy showered + dried her hair + George + I had a beer. I went out with them to the Hacienda which was stupid. Got very drunk and lost $300. But we had a good time [crossed out letter] (until I began to feel drunk + sort of sick.) Home at 4am.

Friday, March 24, 1972

Up early. Called Mary + she had called Newcomb last night + both he + her lawyer feel she should give Marge her written consent to the wedding. + they’ll stand by if Allen should attempt reprisals in the form of keeping the twins next summer. (Mary called yesterday + I pretended I had to go out as there was so much on my own mind I couldn’t think). I called the Desert Retreat and Dick had had a fairly good night – was still sleeping. I spoke with Shirley over the telephone and she was in tears by the end of the conversation. Evidently the last two months in the office have been terrible and she’s been aware that Dick wanted to let her go + didn’t seem suddenly to trust her etc. I wish I’d known alot of this from her point of view alot earlier. After hanging up I sent her flowers at home telling her she should have been named Patience. Also sent flowers to Rich Ware to be delivered tomorrow on his birthday. Called George + Judy + suggested they stay here both nights. Fixed meatloaf for dinner. Went to [crossed out letters] the Greyhound bus terminal + picked up Harold’s pkge Then went down to Dana McKay’s and registered + paid. I start Monday – “no eating. drinking, smoking or chewing gum.” Went out to see Dick. Had lunch with him + was there about 4 1/2 hours. We saw Judy Spicer on Password. Sat with a few of the other patients. [crossed out word] Talked quite a bit with Mike, Dick not feeling very well but it’s early on. No change in his mind about the time period. He wants more of his things and he wants to see Jack. We made a list of things for him to ask Hartley for as everything has to be checked out. I left about 5. Stopped at the El Cortez with Dick’s chips and tried to make a little money. Lost instead. Home about 6:30 or 7:00 – Dinner + talked with Bob actually he talks and I half listen. We went out to the Hacienda for an hour and a half + I made $100 (therefore absolutely even for the day) and he made $60. We’d set a time limit + came home then. I went straight to bed (11 o’clock) Felt a little guilty as Dick wouldn’t have liked it but I’m at 6’s + 7’s right now. Can’t seem to get a routine established but that too is going to take time. [crossed out letters] The only important thing is getting Dick well.

Thursday, March 23, 1972

Strange uneasy sleep. Woke early with sick sinking feeling. Wrote a letter to Dick. Called the Retreat at 8 to see what kind of a night Dick had had and he was still asleep + I called Leon to say I couldn’t work (not that anyone’s been clamoring for me) and I did tell him the situation (Dick had said I could.) Called The Dana McKay business school and they said I could start Monday. Went to the office and got some things Dick had wanted – drawing board etc. Went to Grayhound bus terminal and discovered I was in the wrong one They had the pkge sent up though + I’ll get it tomorrow Went out to see Dick – he was feeling pretty rotten and was very groggy. Had a temperature. I saw Dr. Hartley and spoke with him at length I liked him very much and he said at one point “There’s no problem in liking your husband” which made me feel very good about him. He’s got a nice sense of humor too which is a help. He told Dick that with Dick’s help he can do almost anything First Dick said “Then I’ve got to do it by myself” and turned away + Dr. Hartley said “I’ll be with you all the way” and Dick said he’d give him all the help he could. (that was last night) I asked Dick if he wanted or needed anything and he said they give him everything he wants. I liked the people there + I liked the orderly Mike very much. It’s so early to have any idea of what’s going to happen but I think it was the only thing to do and Dick did it himself which is the most important thing. Went by the office + there was a big deal about Art Bennick’s pool. Shirley had costed it out + we can’t do it for the price Dick quoted without Dick. I called him + I think the guy’s a prick. I went over to J + J’s briefly and then came home + fixed dinner. I vaccuumed + dusted after – the wind’s been terrible and then went to bed + read. At 10 o’clock the phone rang and it was George Spicer. He + Judy are coming to town + want to stay here Sat. night – he’ll give me a hair cut on Sunday. (The mountain comes to Mohammad

Wednesday, March 22, 1972

Up at 5:30. Called Jack. Jack came over at 6:30 + said Dick was still in the office but wouldn’t come home. We agreed to meet at 8 o’clock. Went down + in to see Dick who was lying on the floor – the only thing he could say was “Are you angry with me Pumpkin?” and my heart turned over. I told him of course not + gave him the milk + vitamins. He’d been to the El Cortez + cashed $500 worth of checks. We went through his pockets and he had $167 on him (including 4 $25 chips.) On the way home I told him that Bentley had called yesterday to find out [crossed out letter] how he was doing. (not true but Dick had told Bentley that he was drinking again which was a plea for help) I said Bentley suggested the hospital + mentioned the Desert Retreat. Dick didn’t say no – he just said he thought Bentley was against a hospital and I said no – he might have changed his mind but he was definitely for it. Dick said he’d like a beer + I told him I’d drunk them last night + he said let’s go to the 7-11 we were still in the car coming down Pecos – I said let’s go over to Joyce + get some We got a 6 pack + I started talking again about the retreat + Dick said “Don’t sell me” – but when we got home he asked if we should go direct or through Bentley + I suggested Bentley – Jim Daniels came over + he’s going to try to sell pools for us He went out + got some more beer + then stayed with Dick. While I went over to [crossed out word] give some tickets to Sally Jamieson who didn’t show up. Thank God Annabel did + I left after an hour. Bentley had called while I was out + I got back to him and it was all set up to take Dick out tonight at 6:30. A Dr. Hartley would see him. We rested a little + talked alot + then Jack came over + we drove out stopping for a beer en route. Went into the convalescent place first – then to the psychiatric side We stayed almost an hour but the Dr. didn’t come so Jack + I left. Dick almost glad to see us go. I felt very shaky. Had late supper with J + J – Called the hospital, spoke with Dr. Hartley + went to bed.

Tuesday, March 21, 1972

Spoke with Bentley today and he said that Dick had told him he’d had a few drinks (on Friday he told him) + Bentley said a hospital was the only thing to do now. He suggested the Desert Retreat run by a Dr. Lowry and said Dick would have to be willing. I called the Desert Retreat + Dr. Lowry is no longer there. Tried to get Bentley back + couldn’t. Went to Kay Mart to sell tickets with Versie Ramirez – we only sold 29. I bought a couple pair of shoes, The Hildegard Knef book and some bras. Also some clippers. I called the office + Shirley told me Dick was passed out + she couldn’t get him up. I went to the store + then to the office. Dick had left when I got there Truck still there. I went all over looking for him. Finally decided the best thing to do was go home + fix dinner. Did + Dick called. Said he’d been at the Macayo Vegas for something to eat. I said eat? in a querulous tone that I hated. He said he’d be home in an hour and a half and then asked me to get Bob Adams on the phone. I said I didn’t want to + burst into tears saying that ever since that man had been in the house things had been rotten. Childish + stupid but my nerves were on edge + out it came Dick didn’t come home. Shirley went in to do some tax returns + told me when she left that he was planning to spend the night at the office. I called + called + waited + waited Finally I went down with some vitamins and a thermos of milk at 12:45. Truck there but no Dick. They said at the bar they hadn’t seen him since late afternoon. Of course they lied I found out later – I left the stuff + went home. Drank the two beers I’d hid + talked for a while with Bob. Went to bed at 1:45. Set the alarm for 5:30 – Ghastly day + night.

Monday, March 20,*1972

Dick slept late. After I found the beers gone I was in a tizzy. Hid the two remaining beers. Cleaned, cried, made a butterscotch pie + cried. Called Shirley about the tax stuff and she knew he’d been drinking since Thursday. Told me I ought to see about getting him into a hospital – that she’s worried about his health When I said that I was too – she said she meant imminently and of course after hanging up I was off again. I’m worried sick and I don’t know what to do I called Bentley at home and at the office + missed him both places. Dick left about 9:30 – said he’d be all right today. I took Joyce some miltowns + had a cup of coffee and she said she was worried about Dick + then I went down to the office and left some tax stuff with Shirley. Dick had had a drink – the binacca drops gave it away + then Shirley told me there had been a bottle of brandy by his desk If she’s so goddamned worried she could have tossed it. I went to the Blvd to sell tickets – got out the table + chairs + posters + was off to a flying start by the time Sally Larson joined me. One nice lady bought 25 tickets all made out to Child Haven. We made a new-record today Sold 115! In fact we’d almost run out when Annabel appeared with 250 more. We closed up at 4:30 + went to the store – I was home by a little after 5. Dick asleep in his chair I had a note from Felix Munro with a check for $150.00 because the $110 back then was worth alot more! Also a nice note from Daddy saying he hadn’t heard from Bentley. I fixed pork chops for dinner – Dick ate almost nothing but he didn’t drink anything either – nothing since 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon. I suggested a hospital to him + he said he didn’t want to go “Let’s give it another day” Please God help us

Sunday, March 19,*1972

More of the same – Dick off about nine o’clock. I called Jack + asked him not to give him a drink He said he wouldn’t. I puttered around. Cleaned the burners on the oven top. Spoke with Annabel. Read. Izzy called. They couldn’t make it. We chatted a little + I told her the situation + she said there would always be friends who’d drink with Dick un [crossed out letters] til “they’re laughing down at him in his coffin” I told Bob I was very displeased about last night + that I didn’t care about his habits but I did about Dick’s. I washed the kitchen floor as some sort of therapy. Spoke with Dick at the office and he was crocked. Said he’d be home but didn’t come. When I spoke to him next he’d been calling Wimpy in Philadelphia. I spent a large part of the day in tears which wasn’t constructive except that I was crying over the scrub bucket so it didn’t hurt either We have so much but what the hell good is it if we don’t have each other. Dick home about four o’clock I’d had two miltowns but was snappish with him. I need someone to talk to desperately. Fixed dinner Dick’s ankles all swollen up again. He told me he’d made up his mind in the office it was all over + he was stopping again. I believed him + felt better. Gave him a shave + then he turned on the TV in the livingroom. I like a fool went to sleep. He had about four beers I discovered in the morning but at least I went to sleep momentarily reassured.

Saturday, March 18, 1972

Well today was the worst in a longtime – Actually part of it okay – spent with Izzy gambling at the Sands + having a good time I called Dick several times. He knew where I was + said to stay out + have a good time. Izzy went to the show about 7:30 or so and I went over to the Castaways + called again. Dick said Bob had cooked dinner + for me to go on gambling + win some money (I was up $100) + he was going to bed. His voice sounded funny as though he’d been drinking + I went into a funny kind of thing. I didn’t want to come home + find out + I didn’t want to stay there either. I played like some kind of zombie for another hour and a half + then went home via the safeway. Drove in about 10 o’clock. Lights all on. Garage doors opened, record player playing, library door wide open, wine bottle empty, gin bottle out + cigarettes + tobacco all over the place. The kitchen a mess and the peppers I’d fixed for dinner untouched Bob not there nor Petie. No note. Nothing the truck not there. Izzy called + I told [crossed out word] her the situation + she had Dick paged Then the phone rang again + it was Dick at Frank’s bar. I went to pick him up he was stumbling drunk smoking again I said I’d try to stop if he’d stop again He wanted to go to the Tropicana so we did + blew all the winnings plus $300. Took him home after talking him out of the Fremont. He was largely incoherent but said at one pint “I’m a drunken slob and I’m trying to kill myself but I don’t know why.”

Friday, March 17, 1972

Letter from Jimmy saying he’d do what he can for Harriet’s brother.

Letter from Dr. Sternlieb.

[crossed out letter] Another dreary day really. Called Izzy + asked her to bring a picture with her. Called Alice, Annabel, Angie – (Triple A). Worked on income tax – slogging along. Figured out I lost $742.25 on the Lookout Mt. sale Papers missing on various matters but by the end of the day I had totted up $6,732.97 of deductions without counting Dr. Richman, Shirley’s bonus, the remaining tax on Bonita + any of the Bonita expenses or the interest on Bill Rehn’s loan all of which must add up to another 2 or 3 thousand. In between stints at the desk, I changed the sheets, vaccuumed + dusted the bedroom. There was one completely unexpected bright spot to the day. The phone rang and it was Felix Munro checking on my [crossed out letters] address to repay me the $110 I’d lent him 14 years ago Talk about surprises! And I’d been nasty enough in a fit of pique to put him down as a bad debt on an IRS form (+told him at the time!!) Dick home about 5:30 lit up a joint First talked to Bob + told him he could stay one more week at the house. Bob went out + we ate a left over dinner + then went to Ed + Casey’s to play pool. Dick wanted to have a beer + I was dying for one but really put my foot down + we weathered the bump (or something) Bentley told Dick that he is mildly diabetic + he now has another pill to take with his Vitamins – no more candy. My heart bleeds for him + yet I find myself getting very up tight too. I must help him + I think if I can start writing something (anything I’ll be in alot better shape)

Thursday, March 16, 1972

Bad day. Called Drue which was nice + we made love which was even nicer and from there on it was all downhill. Took Hildegard Knef’s book back to Alice + lent her “The Moon’s a ballon” – Got my receipt for $110. Went down to Placement + typed files + card for the new members Turned in another $10. Went to the Showboat + lost some money + the car wouldn’t start After just getting it back + paying $194 (2 tires at $54 ea) for a tuneup + alignment. The guy there helped me get it going + suggested I get the terminals cleaned. As that was the prime reason we’d had the car done I blew my top. Went to Dick’s office + then to the 5th Street [crossed out words] Auto Service. Safeway next lost $20 in the slot machine + came home. Depressed, disgusted with myself + the world etc. Dick smoking a joint + the place smelled pretty raunchy – Phone rang + it was Isabel saying she + 3 friends are arriving tomorrow at the Sands – I was in a tizzy – Still had the damn answer phone on + couldn’t get thru to Iz until I turned it off. Fixed a meat loaf, a peculiar chocolate pie, baked potatos, biscuits + peas for dinner. Dick called a cab to go out + I said I’d like to go out but didn’t want a cab as it sounded like drinking + he said to cancel the cab so I did, he was then getting undressed + going to bed [crossed out letters] ! Probably just as well but I was in a bit of a funk The pot had hit him just like drinking. Blah Blah Blah – Stupid day.

Wednesday, March 15, 1972

Finally got started working on tax stuff – the desk + whole library such a mess I can hardly bear it. Emptied + sorted all the bank files + went through for tax deductible checks. We’ve spent so much money and I’ve spent a hell of alot gambling too (both of us but me much more) We gave Leon $10,000 last year and it doesn’t seem to have helped. I wrote Scotty + sent him 10 tickets, Wrote Leon with $300 + Timmy with $200. I sent 3 books of blue chip stamps to the Personal Crisis hotline. Read a detective story in between + watered the lawn + cleaned a little. Bob home around 4 + I suggested he go down to the office about wire + money for gas. Then called the office after he’d left + Dick blew up I fixed pork, zucchini casserole, garlic bread + [crossed out words] corn on the cob for dinner. Was in a pretty foul mood. So was Dick. Had lost a pool to someone else and the loan didn’t go through on one he’s dug + steeled. Eddie Kulick over + cheered us up a little. I have so much left to do on the taxes. Harold Stern called + he’s sent out a great big package – He called from the office so there’s still a fighting chance – maybe. He said if we could find anyone here who was interested in hiring him, he was interested. We went to bed early

Tuesday, March 14, 1972

Wallace swept the Florida primaries

Up early.  Why do I write that – we’re always up early. I stopped by Alice’s + gave her $110 + some stubs to take to Bill Fain. Went over to see Dave and asked him please to see what can be done to get a decision from O’Donnell. Also what about the Montgomery case? Talked for a while after he left with Mary. (Dave + Bill Farkas each bought another five tickets for Child Haven) Stopped at the Landmark + put another $10 in the dime machine which is now up to 7,980 [crossed out letters] Good God! Went to the Blvd + was on Muriel Stevens Show although Nancy Houssels was on before me. Went + helped Versie + Mary Perkowski set up shop. Then had breakfast at Woolworth’s with a new Georgette Heyer detective story. Went to the market + got groceries for two days + then went over to see Daisy She gave me the loveliest blue cape + cap that she’d crocheted! It’s beautiful!! I was so happy with it. Came home + had no sooner gotten the groceries unloaded than Dick came home. He’s not feeling well + I wish to hell I knew what to do. He ate + then Jerry Hickman stopped by (2:30) + then he went to bed. I lay down briefly. Had been going to get started on the tax work today but Dick’s coming home so early made it impossible. I made a good dinner + I told Bob that Dick + I like to spend our evenings together alone. He took it very well. Then Dick didn’t even get up for dinner so I took it into him after I ate with Bob who left the second the meal was over! Cleaned up + watched results of the Florida primaries – discouraging.