A good day with bad beginnings – Dick had turned the transistor on at the dining room table and in the back bathroom it sounded like a dog fight and I thought that terrible pack had come back + gotten Humbug. I came screaming down the hall + scared Dick out of his wits. Surly would not approach describing his departure. I caught up on Diary and then went + measured the backroom for shelves. There will have to be a few minor adjustments as the ceiling is a few inches lower than Lookout Mt. I then went to work on the windows. Did all the Den windows – inside + out – and all but one of the living room windows – the glass man came + put in the shower doors. Dick had said last night to “forget the shower doors” but I decided it was because he was mad at them for not showing up yesterday. I was varnishing the bathroom door when Dick came back at 11 o’clock. He then went to work on extending the sprinkler system to the far front lawn. We went shopping at Safeway + then later at Wonder World where I got some extra fine steel wool and some linseed oil. Came back + started work on the old inlaid pie shaped table Mother had given me. What a beating its taken over the years – glass rings, cigarette burns etc. I figure that about half an hour a day for a week or so should put it in really good shape. We washed up + went to see “Midnight Cowboy” at the Guild Theatre at 5:30. Oh gee – What a good film – really stunning performances. Cried + cried Dick found the color a little headachey but really liked the movie. We went to the Holiday Inn after for dinner + froze to death in the flow of the air conditioning. Home at 9 – Bed + TV – I made an appt. this morning to go to Gloria Marshall’s figure Salon tomorrow at 9. Suppose it’s like Pat Walker’s. Anyway I need a little tightening up. Didn’t mention it and am not going to for a while.
We were up at 5 as Dick was working quite far. I fixed a good breakfast – egg, bacon, roll + honey etc. Love to see him start out the day that way. I spent the early morning catching up diary – 8 days. Wrote Leon to Thank him for cape + enclosed Family Affair commission. I called Annie + had a lovely talk – Cassie + Bill, Alma + Mrs. Michels are all going to the show tomorrow night. Oh dear. I told Mother M she won’t like it. Can’t wait to hear. Annie had her cards read + someone from the spirit world is trying to “grab” her. Oh dear again. She’s got another job in August so won’t come to see us. Just a brief 10 day trip to Wyoming. I watched the All Star baseball game and crocheted another six coasters. Very sad game 9-3 favor of Nat’l League. However a spectacular catch by Yazstremski that made up for a lot. Dick home about 1:30. Very hot day. He had some chicken livers + then went with me to the bank + to mail some letters. We took a long nap (long for me – too hot for Dick to sleep) + then on a sudden whim we decided to go to the movies. We went to see “The Wild Bunch” – Wm. Holden, Borgnine, Warren Oates, Edmond O’Brien, Jaime Sanchez, Ben Johnson, Robert Ryan. An exercise in random violence, lovely acting, stunning photography, horrible movie Hated it, although glad to have seen it. Home at 10:45. Read a little about Black Studies – then after a wine cooler went to bed. Late but cooler.
Astronauts come home tomorrow.
Les called at 9:30 – Had a white convertible black top vw for me if I wanted it. Said no – wasn’t ready to make a decision like that. Also said I was still asleep. Next call Mary at 11:20. I said I’d get up + call her back. In between Mary + Paul came by + Paul got the job in [crossed out letters] Czechoslovakia. Goes on June [crossed out letter] 10th. Whee. Spoke with Timmy who was impossible about this evening and the “complications.” Meaning my going to the Palesades. Finally suggested we leave our dinner til after Winnie’s departure. He was miffed I think but I couldn’t take any more of that. Chuck Neighbors by at 1 o’clock. We went to Olvera St for lunch. long talk about Bill. Didn’t talk enough about my Christmas carols. Chuck anxious to get in touch with publicity people on CBS + NBC etc. I called Bobby Frye + they chatted. Winnie doing okay on her own most of the day. I went to see Bob Iverson at 4:30. Was so glad to see him + told him so + that I’d missed him. He’d had a good time in [crossed out word] Ojai which is nice. I told him about calling Peter, about talking with Dr Brooks, about Sheldon Andelson, about court, about Easter Sunday, The letter from Ethel, about Mary last night finally Bill’s letter. He laughed when he read it. Also when I said if I went around divorcing people who criticized my clothes I wouldn’t stand a chance. Rita’s death was bad but the emotions were not neurotic. I don’t know about the divorce business. I do know about the letters from Ethel + Bill. There’s something there that’s neurotic as hell. My decision about Bill will have to bearthat in mind but also as I told Bob I don’t want to forget the people in light of my patterns. Peter did that to me and it wasn’t fair. I became a part of his pattern ” + not me Patience. Came home + Winnie + I got dressed, cashed a check at the Safeway + went to the Islander for a gala dinner. The “storm” a bit of a dud but funny. Went to see “The Producers” – Really funny movie. Saw Jerry Divine out front after he’s asst. manager of the theatre. Then Chuck Neighbors appeared He’d gone to the Game Show. We went to the Kaleidoscope for a “cup of coffee” – ha ha.. my mistake. $4.00 apeice but I learned later it was a digger benefit. Extraordinary place. Pretty overwhelming but fascinating. We went to the Grapevine in the hopes of seeing Bobby Frye but missed him [crossed out letters] as we were all to tired to wait came home at 12:30 + went to bed forthwith.
Was up early – bathed + washed hair. Went to see Leon. Stopped en route to pick up Reporters. Leon on his way out but had nice if brief meeting with Scott Penney. I like him. My car was cornered in the parking lot out back I was in the wrong place + had to go to some lengths to get the owner to move. Met a nice elderly Englishman Fred Sterley(?) – a chauffer for the owners of the building. He suggested we go for a drive sometime. I was fairly abrupt about refusing although I suggested coffee. Later felt like a fool. Came home stopping at bank. Cashed check for $150.00 ($100 for Bill) Back to the house. Letter from Pam Walker forwarded by Peter. Mary called to say “Senior” was ill + she had to get him into Saint John’s. Was fairly hectic sounding + said she’d have to stay loose about Camelot this evening. Asked her to let me know by six. Waited for call from Leon. not forthcoming. Made an appt for tomorrow with Mrs. Gray. Played Spite and malice am slowly narrowing Winnie’s lead!) She + I went downtown to the main Western Union office at 3 + sent off the money to Bill. Then we went to the “Middle Earth” lunchette for a “Fredoburger” but alas they had closed so we ate next door. Changed Winnie’s airplane reservations to Sunday at noon and called St. Anne’s. Also told Winnie I’d give her $100.00 if she could get her weight down to 130 before she starts Farmington. She seemed interested. I think she’s alot of fun and a bright girl and I think she’ll do all right. I took an hour’s nap in the late afternoon. Leon told me this a.m. that I looked tired + I know I do. Late nights with beer the last week or so + the strain of the preceeding weeks combined. The former however is purely my doing + I’ll undo it for a while. Mary called to say she couldn’t come tonight and I called all sorts of people with no luck Lyle, Bill Brown, Bill Tregoe, Henry Jones, Jim Parker, Albert Carrier, Izzy, Magda and so on. Winnie dying to meet Izzy. We ate at Norm’s and Winnie went to Wallichs for a record while I turned the ticket in. No trouble to my surprise. The film was a delight – just lovely. I cried of course at the end but had a good, good time. We came back + finished our game of Spite and Malice (Winnie ahead by three). Paul is going to film this weekend. Bed for all a little after one. Put in wake up for 7:30 –
Slept til 9:30 or so. Had planned to see Leon in the am but called the office + he wasn’t in so decided to go later. Called Magda – our phone bill $20.55. Sent her a check. Spoke with Mona in Doug’s office + Mary + Elizabeth. Played Spite + Malice with Winnie. She’s down to a 2 point lead. We drove out to Mary’s a little after noon. Dinner of soup + salad. Mary showed us the album of pictures she’s putting together for Les and an early picture of him in a sailor suit looked so much [crossed out letters] like several of Peter that I was caught completely off balance + found myself in tears. (not noticed.) We went to “The Chest” after lunch a psychedelic shop across Pico + then drove to The Watts towers in separate cars. Both got lost – I a little less than Mary. The Towers as always a monument to the individual. So glad Rita saw them. Winnie drove with Mary on the way back here. Paul stopped in with George Petrarca whom I think I knew in Paris – at any rate we know a hundred people in common. He’s coming back to the house on Saturday + for dinner next week. Winnie + I went over to Leon’s. He wasn’t there + we chatted with Dorothy. I left 3 copies of the L.A. Times review + one of the Reporter. We ate supper at Hamburger Hamlet and then went to “Bonnie + Clyde.” It was really an excellent movie + very moving. Oddly different from what I’d expected. What it’s been taken up for is who it’s trying to warn against. There’s been a great distortion. We went by the Cinerama Dome and I got 3 tickets for Mary, Winnie + me for Camelot tomorrow night. We came home. Special Delivery from Bill asking for $100.00. Jim Parker came by with a friend named John Winkleman. Nice guy. We had beer upstairs. Winnie to bed about midnight. I very shortly after. There will be alot to talk about with Bob Iverson. I miss him.
Up at six or so. Fixed coffee. Took an elavil. Called Sheldon at 7 at both numbers – He called me back – Had been in shower. Said to meet at the Grand St. entrance of the court house at 8:45. I paid a few bills. Washed my hair + bathed. Mary Parker came down and we had coffee together – left at 8:25. [crossed out letters] We had a giggly ride down but only because Mary was very funny and I was near hysteria. Met Sheldon who briefed us. I was to say that Peter’s behavior made me “nervous + upset” as was Mary. I told Sheldon I’d written Peter but he hadn’t replied + he said “to discuss your unhappy differences?” Everything is such a formula! I cried + he asked me if I wanted to shelve it. I asked him what use would it be Peter wants no contact with me. If he doesn’t want to live with me why should I shelve the divorce? And yet it all seemed so terrible. It took maybe 4 minutes. Mary Parker spoke to me after on the way back about the necessity of ritual to carry people over life’s difficult times – and yet for some of us the ritual is such a horror in itself. Mary had another cup of coffee with me + went upstairs. She was such a help and support. I left a note for Winnie + went to bed until noon. I called Mary Haas who’d called last night. We talked about Rita. We lay[crossed out letter] in the sun briefly. I sent Cotton $5.00 for a birthday present. Winnie started a letter to her parents + I cleaned the apartment. I vacuumed upstairs until the electric broom gave up. We went out to Beverly Hills + had manicures at “London West” – Evelyn’s new headquarters. Then went out to Zucky’s to meet Mary + Dolores who’d already eaten. Enjoyed “Far from the Madding Crowd” immensely beautiful photography. We had dinner after at Zucky’s stopped by the Mayfair for a few groceries. Came home around 10:30 – Saw Mary + Paul briefly – had a beer. We were both tired so went to bed. It was an unhappy day but one that’s been looming for a long time.
Had messages from Sharon + Bill Welborne.
And this was Good Friday.
Up around ten. Deservedly painful rising. Had coffee + got Erica + Winnie to look for my engagement ring for a while. It’s a mystery where it could be. It was nearing noon when we took Erica home. Dick + Sharon suggested we join them at the Farmers Market so we went there for lunch. I got Winnie some stationary with “Words from Winnie” on it and we bought a few odds ends. Came home by two and lay in the sun. Then I took a bromo seltzer and a nap for one hour. Mary called to ask if Winnie + I wanted to see Far from the Madding Crowd tomorrow + I said I thought so. Paul had alot of good news. He may have gotten the film job he just read for which would mean a week + a half in Czechoslovakia. And the nudie film people appeared to be interested in shooting “Hands”!! – [crossed out letters] that’s really exciting. Mary had a job today + [crossed out letters] was supposed to work tomorrow too but Paul called her to remind her of the court date + she told them she couldn’t come in. I’m so grateful. Sheldon Andelson called again + told me to call him at 7 am. I told him I couldn’t say anything like criticizing clothes + he said “Didn’t he insult you, criticize you, put you down?” – all rattled off. Evidently telling me he wants a divorce doesn’t constitute cruelty whereas criticizing a dress would. Oh Lord. Winnie + I went up to Akron to pick up her purse. Her wallet missing with $22.00 + I.D. cards but the plane ticket , thank goodness was there. We went to the Gilmore to see “Heat of the Night” – had a dinner of popcorn + pizza + coke + coffee – Very good film. We sat through a little of “The Good, The Bad + The Ugly” – an Italian Western + then came home. It was too awful to take. Went upstairs + visited with Mary + Paul. Jim came over. Winnie helped Paul address envelopes. Bed about 11:30. I called Leon today and he was very nice.
Up at 6 – Peter off at 6:30 – I went at 7:15 – Got out to 910 by 7:50 + went right in. Cried alot + said I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t actually but said I was depressed + terribly unhappy. Bob asked me about Peter’s attitudes towards women + when I didn’t understand he said I kept feeling that I was causal in our current relationship but that just possibly Peter’s behavior which he called “punishment” is a symbolic punishing of women. Not me particularly. I had a little trouble accepting this. I told Bob it seemed too marvelously easy a wayout + Bob said that it was odd that both Peter + I for very different reasons couldn’t see it this way. He said our current situation was extremely malignant + damaging to my self esteem. Oh God – don’t I know it. Bob wants to see Peter + me together [crossed out word] next Monday at the same time + warned that there might be real strife but anything’s better than the current set up. Came home still crying. Call for Peter from Don Schwartz – appt. at 2:30. Got him at Bache. Later developed the call was for me – mistake at the service. Peter home for clothes – oh hell. Went out to De Patie Freling in the Valley at 2:30 – Saw Larry Sands there – from Detroit. He’s a Vice President. Whee. Nice chat. Saw Alice Backus, Olive Dunbar, Ann Stowell + Irene Tedrow. Was very wrong for the part. Nice visit with Irene. Letters from Daddy, Colby, Newcomb + Rita who wants [crossed out letters] to visit 1st 2 wks in December. I said great in an answer + looked up an address for her. I called Colby + chatted for about 25 minutes with her. Paid the phone bill – $85.00 [crossed out letters] Man came to the door whom Mitzi had bitten + said he was going to have the police come take her away. I didn’t see him but I guess that’s that. Went out to Mary’s – got there at six. Letter from Allen had arrived today and it was pretty awful I thought and I thought she should make a stand. We played bridge with Katie + Dolores. Gee – I like them. Nice women. Home at eleven – Peter home a half hour later – had gotten bored in class – gone to a girlie movie! We looked over plate blocks – bed at 1 –
Up at 6:00 – Peter off at 6:30 – I futzed about – made bed etc. Took sheets + towels +cleaning things upstairs – did a little cleaning in kitchen in apt. Picked up Bess at 9 – had steam + massage, took her to the bank + then home again. Went shopping – bought all sorts of goodies for the girls upstairs – yogurt, eggs, juice, bread, milk, butter etc. etc. Soft drinks. Came home + stocked their icebox. In the safeway parking lot had sudden vision of Peter riding on the shopping cart the way he used to when he was happy and it just killed me – It was like that vision of Mother in the branches outside my window I cried all the way home. Just couldn’t help it or stop. When I got home I took an equanil but was still awash with sorrow, grief, despair. Strange + awful as the day had started out – like any other plain dreary day. Took another equanil after an hour or so + lay down. Was out like a light for 2 hours. Got up as if drugged. Mary Parker was at work on the apt. I helped her only a little before it was time to go out + get Margie + Erica I saw Sue at the house + Lisa who’s turning into a very pretty little girl. The twins were at [crossed out letters] Blue Birds + I left their lockets on their beds. Took Margie to Erica’s – met Mrs. Mann + the two boys who all seem very nice. On the way back in the car Margie told me that Allen was going to try to get out of the Christmas arrangements + I said I didn’t think that was fair + that I thought they should all stay with their Mother for Christmas. Erica is a very sweet girl. I’m so glad they’re here. We decided to go see “Flim Flam Man” because there was a preview. Peter home just before we left – I’d tried unsuccessfully to get him at the club to meet us for dinner. I got lost on the way out to Westwood + fetched us up at the Sta. Monica Airport. But we arrived in good time. Preview awful – but the Flim Flam man quite good. Went to Ship’s after/ Not home til 1:30 – Peter in bed. Gave the girls the transistor to take upstairs.
I got a lot done today – Caught up diary, sent off things to N.Y. Trust Co, Bank of N. Y. Smith Vocational office, Equity Ballot, Chuck Barris productions etc. $20 to Care and $50 to M.P.S. in memory of Sally Carey Clark – sent it to Miss Grey so she + Miss Comans can select theatre + poetry books for the library. Wrote note along with it to Miss Grey + wrote Paul’s mother asking her to stay with us over Mother’s day. My Bank of N. Y. audit said I had a balance of $187. Which is about $150 more than I thought I had so on the assumption that I made the error I’ve credited myself with the extra amount. Went to Dr. Zhivago this afternoon with Mary + Margie + Patsy + I loved it – breathtakingly beautiful – am now dying to [crossed out word] read the book. I’ve decided I like going to the movies and I’m going to go by myself if necessary. Peter worked on his tape in the morning and I think did some excellent work but ruins it – or undermines it – by leaving that damn “bandit” business in – Oh well. I’ve said it + said it + he doesn’t pay any attention so why the hell should I. I called Harold Stern and he’s not working and is depressed as I am but will use me if anything ever comes up which it will have to someday. I knit 3 more squares today – only have five to go and that blanket will be finished – Glory be. We went to Timmy’s for dinner – took Peter’s tape – which Timmy enjoyed – said he didn’t understand the “bandits” – ho ho. Gave Timmy the Author’s Aid. Came home + had some beer with Mary + Paul – stayed up after Peter went to bed. I’m growing a sort of ugly shell.
Up around 9:30-Futzed about-Called Mary. Then I called both Colby + Hilary to talk about the golden wedding celebration-It’s going to be less than the $1250 originally thought of as they’ve decided against the Boston caterer. Mather evidently had the glorious idea of a one way trip to England for them. When I told Mary she said why not a round trip for one of them-I met Mary at 1:30 at the Egyptian and we had coffee + went to “Hawaii”- I was glad to see it + liked it. Don’t know why I let myself get talked into not seeing so many things. We came home around 5:30 – Peter had done the shopping and I fixed dinner-broccoli casserole, salad, hamburgers, etc. Peter home about 6:00 – Played his tape for Mary who enjoyed it – After several drinks we had dinner-then played Red Dog until almost midnight- Mary had wanted to learn. I also taught her the bitch solitaire that never works – for which she’ll no doubt thank me the rest of her life. Mary left [crossed out writing] + soon after Peter went to bed. I stayed up + drank beer because I felt like it. I’m at 6’s + 7’s as the saying has it-Didn’t go to bed until 3 or 4 and then just lay down in my clothes.