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Woke up in tears-Peter in his sleep last night moved towards me and then when I touched him he moved away. I can’t take it. I never meant to have my diary turn into a litany of sorrows. Think I’ll make a conscious effort to find other things to write about as I relive it all in the writing and it’s that much worse. I’ve heard from both Mother + Daddy this week – gay loving letters – and they made me cry too. I spent this day reading a really excellent book “Ruby McCollum” by William Bradford Huie. And I knitted of course. But I only have 10 or 11 more squares to go. Paul came down + we talked for a bit + he said (not apropos of anything said) that I ought to join a group acting whether Peter does or not. He’s right. Larry Brady owner of  “Chris” came by + stayed + stayed + stayed. Lovely for Humbug but I began to get a little edgy after 2 1/2 hours. Realize now that he was too + didn’t know how to leave. Next time I’ll have a limited time. Peter got hamburger + snow peas on the way home from the club. We had martinis again. Don called with a 10:50 appt for me at Lee Lacy + one for both of us with Jimmy Wasson at Don’s office to make tapes. After dinner Peter went out to play pool with Paul, Mary Parker + I both washed our hair + then had some beer + discussed the souvenir programs for the Golden Wedding. Later I came down + had 2 beers with Peter. I told him earlier this evening prior to the martinis that the current situation was extremely difficult for me. That if he doesn’t want children I have no real purpose – as he doesn’t seem to want anything else from me either. The worst of it all is I don’t think what I said even penetrated the outerlayer of his consciousness. I might as well not exist –

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